Bermuda Blues

One of the things I've been asked on a number of occasions since moving to Bermuda is if there's anything I miss about the UK. Well, it's certainly not the weather, notwithstanding the heatwave that hit London shortly after we left. But life here isn't perfect either. Here are the things I miss most:

1. British TV. TV in Bermuda all comes from the States and it's really, really bad. There are over 100 channels of utter pap to choose from, ranging from inane sitcoms that were never good enough to make it to the UK (and some that slipped through the net), tacky reality TV programming ('For Love or Money' et al), mind-numbing God channels full evangelical Americans praising the Lord, and 'news' broadcasts full of US propaganda. The only non-US channel is BBC World and to be honest, most of the time that's a bit dull. BBC1, BBC2 and Channel 4, where art thou? There are no multi-channel movie stations like Sky Box Office (though admittedly there may be soon). And it's all transmitted in lovely, fuzzy NTSC.

2. People who can drive. Find me a Bermudian who knows how to drive. Please. There has to be one somewhere. Someone who will use their indicators when turning, someone who will stay further than three feet from my rear bumper when they're behind me. Someone who will stay on their side of the road and not stray across the white line when going around a corner. Someone who won't drink and drive and who'll put their seatbeat on before moving off. Someone who won't talk on their mobile phone while in motion. Surely there's a Bermudian driver who doesn't give way while travelling at 50k on a main road to someone pulling out from a sideroad. Or come to a complete stop when he hears a siren in the distance. There has to be someone who, when riding his scooter, won't drive alongside the car in front of me, chatting with its driver. Doesn't there?

3. Cheap stuff. Since moving here the only things I've found that are cheaper than they are in the UK are Ralph Lauren clothes and Oakley sunglasses. For everything else, there's MasterCard. Typical rent for a 2 bedroom flat is maybe 2000 GBP per month. Our electricity bill last month was over 100 GBP (vs. 30 GBP in the UK). Unmetered 512k broadband internet access will set you back over 200 GBP per month (vs. less than 30 GBP in the UK). We once managed to spend 5 GBP on four tomatoes. A sandwich for lunch will set you back 6 GBP and the latest PC game 50 GBP. There may be almost no income tax, but then at those prices, who could afford to pay it?

4. Efficiency. OK, I know things aren't perfect in the UK, but here it can be ridiculous. Want broadband installed? Don't expect it much faster than 6-10 weeks. Need to get a learner's driving licence? Expect to be sat waiting in line in the Transport Control Department for at least an hour (and if you're lucky their computer systems will still be running when you reach the front of the queue). Manyana, manyana...

Comments

[Amin Swan on 02.04.04 at 21:23]

Bermuda Blues, I have a simple solution. Take your A*$ back to the UK.

[Ross Eldridge on 02.04.04 at 21:44]

Amin ... I'm tempted to agree with you! Our host here seems a nice enough fellow. If he wants to lower his rent, he can take me and my little dog in, I'll bring a sofa or recliner to sleep on. I'll chip in a bit towards his rent. I think people need to understand that Bermudians feel the pinch here. We're not all renting our four-bedroom homes out to expats, paying less in a two-bedroom rental, and spending the difference on holidays on the Costa del Something with the pale Brits desperate to escape Farleigh Whallop and Titsey. Really, the first qualification to live and work in Bermuda should be a sense of humour. I think our host has that ... So, when should I pack my recliner and dog and move to the East End? Do I need to get my shots up to date first, and submit my fingerprints?

[The Limey on 02.04.04 at 22:49]

Amin - As you mentioned before, you live in the States. Cast your mind back to when you first moved there. Was there nothing you missed about Bermuda, nothing that you thought was better there than in your new home?

Your xenophobic comments are offensive and surprising coming from someone who is himself living as a foreigner in someone else's country. Just think how you'd feel if an American told you to take your ass back to Bermuda.

[Ken on 18.04.04 at 08:30]

Well, neither BBC America or BBC Canada are officially available outside those countries for rights reasons, but if you invest in a satellite dish and a 'grey market' viewing card from Canada or the US you might be able to get BBC Canada (which still shows EastEnders, unlike BBC America), while CBC shows Coronation Street and Emmerdale.

The problem with the BBC is that it has delusions of grandeur, and thinks that it can and should compete with North American networks. It CAN'T and it SHOULDN'T. For most people in the US except local anglophiles and Brtish expats BBC America might as well be broadcasting in Portuguese. Heck, the Portuguese in Bermuda get RTPi, and they don't care if most Bermudians don't understand it.

[The Limey on 18.04.04 at 09:45]

BBC America is available in Bermuda on digital cable, but as it seems to consist almost entirely of episodes of Changing Rooms, Life Laundry and What Not To Wear it hardly represents the best of British TV.

[Ross Eldridge on 18.04.04 at 11:35]

Here's a little something that friends of mine in the USA were annoyed to discover. When A&E (in the USA, also viewed in Bermuda) ran the BBC TV-drama on Charles II (starring Rufus Sewell and Rupert Graves) recently, they chopped out great chunks of it so as to get the original 4 hour (without advertizing) film down to 4 hours with lots of advertizing.

And that's really piss-poor.

I miss British TV minutes after watching it and then having some rubbish pop up on the screen "made in America".

Are filmmakers in the USA, at least for television, given the chance that British filmmakers are given? Or does everything in America hinge on popularity and product placement and winning the ratings game? Does a writer take a wonderful screenplay to the meeting at the Cable TV Channel Offices, or a pocket full of statistics on how many Hispanics will watch this on a Tuesday night running against "Idol"? Oh, the writer takes an accountant with him, and you accounting types know what truth accountants can spin.

Well, there's my much ado about TV. I don't have cable TV at my house, I'm trying to read more. But I sure hear a great many complaints from my American friends when it comes to their TV viewing.

When it comes to TV news ... Ask yourself which American TV network doesn't wrap itself in red, white and blue stars and stripes. (Hell, if you're not for us, you're against us!) The BBC may not be perfect, but at least it will criticise the government and the PM and you know it's not a joke that David Letterman is doing.

And, really, if I was stranded on an island somewhere, and had my glasses with me, I'd need only a copy of PRIVATE EYE to be educated, entertained and amused. Again: The best of the British!

RE

[Ken on 19.04.04 at 08:13]

I stand corrected about BBC America- I did look at the Bermuda Cablevision site but didn't look at the digital line-up. I agree that it hardly represents the best of British TV, which is why Cablevision should have chosen BBC Canada instead. (However, it has to have a quota of Canadian content instead.)

The BBC thinks it has to cater for US tastes, although I doubt seriously that hour after hour of Changing Rooms and Ground Force will appeal to Joe Sixpack. And has it fared any better with the shows that replaced EastEnders?

[Rich Ambrosio on 19.04.04 at 15:19]

Oh British Television! Where art thou!

The BBC is definately quality, but frankly, most British Progamming is! I agree with Phil's sentiments that most of our programming is horrid. For some strange reason, Cablevision feels the need to bring in channels from Detroit and Hamilton, et al.

In addition to any other BBC channels, we definately need to have the CBC. It's abolute quality, in my humble opinion. That, or CTV, methinks would be better Canadian channels to have then CITY TV and CHCH.

(That way we could also get Saturday Night Hockey! hehe)

Lessee, what else can we get? Documentary Channel, IFC, Cspan, Cpac, BBC Parliament...

And please! History Channel, International edition! No more documentaries on the America Civil War!!!

[boxbda on 19.04.04 at 17:14]

BBC America really really sucks. Even being a fellow Yorkshireman, i could really punch michael parkinson. i mean...how can the programming execs at BBCA put this crap on day after day...same episode week in week out...

and now they've started showing these mystery/detective series with 'robson green'..i mean..he's in every single damn one of them...aagh.

i feel an email to BBA coming on...