The Worst Of Bermuda Awards 2005
Royal Gazette Opinion, Thursday 21 July 2005
As The Bermudian celebrates 15 years of the Best of Bermuda Gold Awards, here in this cold, damp cave, away from the balloons and the back-slapping, your bitter columnist nurses his bile.
Passed over for both best local website and best newspaper columnist, I’ve become a twisted shadow of my former self. Crouched in the darkness, my skin grey and translucent, my hair thin and lank, my eyes like pale saucers, I cradle my precious: an onion, rotten and pungent.
It’s time to peel back its putrid layers.
Chairman Mao Award For Least Plausible Claim
Premier Alex Scott, for suggesting that if Bermuda chooses independence, “our soccer team will be better, our businessmen will be more effective, our teachers will teach longer and they will be doing it – yes – for self and country. And probably will come a point when they will be doing it for country first… The employer will get a better employee”. He later claimed that it would also boost tourism (as we could host UN conferences) and that we’d have more success fighting crime. What a great leap forward!
Most Egregious Use Of Race As A Political Weapon
PLP backbencher Derrick Burgess, for suggesting that UBP MP Patricia Gordon-Pamplin was “the maidservant of her master”.
Bermuda Bummer
Last week’s power outage, which left Hamilton without electricity for the best part of four days. Although even the US and the UK have suffered from blackouts in recent years, this wasn’t good for an island whose prosperity is almost wholly dependent on international business.
Stoned Sloth Award
The Government, for taking 99 days to confirm that the qualifications of Bermuda College education officer Abdallah Ahad were false and fire him. Closely followed by the Corporation of Hamilton for taking over six months to unveil Will Collieson and Jade Minors’ wonderful statue of the bulls outside Bull’s Head parking lot.
Goods Furthest Past Their Sell By Date
In August 2004, the Shelly Bay Marketplace was selling 2-year old copies of Um Um Magazine. Worse, I accidentally bought one of them. In February 2005 the same store had a 6-month old copy of The Economist on display (this time I avoided it). Useful to historians, useless to me.
Craziest Act Of Political Correctness
The Bermuda Hospital Board’s decision to rename St. Brendan’s Hospital the Mid-Atlantic Wellness Institute, in the hope that it would somehow eliminate the stigma of mental illness. What a bunch of nutters.
Most Ignorant Comment
Bishop Goodwin Smith, for suggesting that there was no difference between paedophiles and homosexuals. “Basically these are perverted people,” he said. He went on to argue that allowing homosexuals to rent wherever they want to rent would be giving them “a special class of rights” that would take rights away from a landlord. I couldn’t agree more. Next they’ll be saying that black people should be allowed to rent wherever they want too.
Worst Law
The 35 kph speed limit, which continues to be flouted daily by almost everyone. Even the police don’t care. Honourable mention: the law banning the sale of alcohol in grocery stores on Sundays. Hello? What century are we living in?
Worst Overreaction
The Government’s Department of Communication and Information, for issuing a press release condemning a contributor to A Limey In Bermuda for giving the Premier’s email address as his own. “Unprofessional and unethical,” it thundered, warning that anyone who “succumbed to the actions being recommended by this user” could be traced electronically. “[We] will request of Mr. Wells that he rectifies the situation,” it concluded. They never did.
Worst Timing
The Government’s decision to put a pair of giant crown and anchor dice on the roundabout by Swing Bridge in January. Wouldn’t the run-up to Cup Match have been more appropriate? Besides, I thought they disapproved of gambling?
Worst Career Move
The traffic cop who, back in January, stuck a parking ticket to the window of GP2, the car of Deputy Premier Dr. Ewart Brown, parked on double-yellow lines outside Little Venice. Guess we won’t be seeing him as Commissioner any time soon.
Spanish Inquisition Award For Religious Persecution
Bishop Ewen Ratteray, for refusing to renew the work permit of one of Bermuda’s best-loved clergymen, Canon Alan Tilson (named Bermuda’s best pastor by The Bermudian). Apparently the parish “needed a change” and “the time had come to move on”. Looks like the Anglican Church needs a change of bishop too.
Worst Public Relations
Square One, for refusing to comment publicly about why Ayo Johnson was refused admission to their VIP room. While there may have been a perfectly reasonable explanation, their refusal to clarify the situation led some to question what their door policy really is.
Worst Newspaper Columnist
That Limey In Bermuda. All he does is complain!
Commiserations to all the winners, and may the Worst of Bermuda Awards continue to encourage and inspire all to keep reaching for mediocrity.
Archives By Date
Well, I will have to read all that again. "peel back those putrid layers". Limey, you are doing a great job. As stated on numerous occassions, you have taken on something that others would not do.
At least your Cave will be warm and dry. The others left drying and rotting in the fields will soon have no layers and dee bumuda beetle vill gat em. Keep up the good work.
Slightly off subject but, my Daughter published a Book titles 'Onions have feelings too'. Poetry and verse.
Remember, you married and Onion and She has feelings too.
Worst of Bermuda's Awards? Thumbs up for letting us communicate in a differant light. Talking is still the best route and this is a tool to communication.
Thanks.........
Posted by Terry on 21.07.05 at 09:31
How about Thaao Dill as dopiest DJ award for his prank yesterday, posing as a Belco rep and phoning companies to tell them their power would be cut off. Unbelievable!
Posted by JJ on 21.07.05 at 10:39
Limey, as i am sure you are well aware, you will catch some flack for this weeks column. I can't wait to read the 'letters to the editor' that pile in! Bermuda, if we can't laugh at ourselves then who can we laugh at? (besides Canadians and Dub-ya, of course...) This government should learn not take themselves so seriously sometimes and just have a laugh once and a while.
Posted by Advocatus Diablo on 21.07.05 at 15:46
Just a suggestion on how to change the speed limit and save money too! With a simple paint brush, all the signs could quite easily be changed from 35 to 85.
Posted by CB on 21.07.05 at 15:49
Though you should know that I am 'another' limey in Bermuda. So the best web site went to 'us'.
Better luck next time.
A Copper award should go to the City planner who made Washington Street a One Way Street and a No Through Road. Get out of that.
Posted by Steve Watts on 21.07.05 at 16:44
I can't tell you how much enjoyment and how many laughs I get from your columns! There are just so many issues to attack and so little time -- I hope you continue on for many years. There's not much chance you're EVER going to run out of material !!
Posted by Boston Baked Bean on 22.07.05 at 12:44
Add The Royal Gazette online to the list.
50% of the time it's down.
Funny enough they have better stories when it's down..
Posted by jake on 18.08.05 at 16:10