Throwing the election

Royal Gazette Opinion, Thursday 1 September 2005

The PLP intends to throw the next election and allow the UBP to return to power_i

The astonishing news was revealed to this newspaper in an exclusive interview with a highly placed PLP insider, speaking off the record and on condition of anonymity.

“We’ve just had enough,” he admitted. “Frankly, we’ve been very disappointed with the limited opportunities for personal enrichment that we’ve been able to create since we took office. The UBP told us that being in Government was a great way to get rich quick, but it just hasn’t worked out that way. If you can’t do that, what’s the point of being in charge?”

The first hint of his party’s plans came in PLP senator Walter Roban’s submission to the Bermuda Independence Commission (BIC), which was published in the Mid Ocean News last Friday.

“And we believe that only through a General Election [can the opportunity to present a vision of an independent Bermuda] be achieved because it is a requirement of a General Election that you disclose your plan to the electorate,” said Mr. Roban. “These are minimal requirements of a General Election. If you don’t do them, you don’t get elected.”

However analysts were quick to point out that the PLP disclosed few of its plans before the last election (including its intent to create an independence commission or develop a Social Agenda) and was returned to office anyway. As a result, many are now wondering whether the PLP is deliberately trying to lose power by making independence an election issue, rather than deciding it by a referendum.

“They were re-elected in 2003 despite saying little about their plans for their second term,” said one. “Why change tack now? The more they bang on about what they’ll do in a third term, the more they’ll just scare the bejesus out of folks, and the less likely they are to be re-elected. If they really want to stay in power, they should keep their mouths shut. Polls have consistently shown that 65% of Bermudians do not want independence. Why make it a central issue of your election campaign unless you’re trying to lose?”

“Yeah, you got us,” acknowledged Tourism and Transport Minister Dr. Ewart Brown. “We want out. But we have to save face. Our supporters mustn’t think that we’ve sold them out. If we were to simply step down we’d be accused of betraying everyone who struggled for years to see a black Government running Bermuda. By going out like this, they’ll think we lost power while trying to achieve one of our long-held goals. They’ll regard us as heroes, and our members will be free to find easier ways to get rich. I hear CVs are already being sent off to the civil service.”

When the Royal Gazette approached the Premier about the claims, Mr. Scott was initially dismissive.

“That’s complete nonsense,” he shouted, perspiring heavily. When your correspondent asked why he was fidgeting, however, the Premier threw up his hands.

“Oh, fine, so maybe there’s some truth in it,” he groused. “But you just don’t understand how hard it is to run a country. We’re in way over our heads. Can’t you tell – we’ve no idea how to ease the housing crisis or reduce crime! And no matter what we do, someone always complains.”

“People just expect too much from their Government. Even when you do something for them, the ingrates ask for more. I’m sick of it! If the UBP want the job back, they can have it.”

When asked why the PLP’s submission to the BIC also included a proposal to restrict the Auditor General to a limited term in office and have him appointed by the Public Service Commission, Mr. Scott sighed.

“To be sure of losing power, we have to make the whole independence proposition as offensive as possible to Bermudians,” he explained. “We can’t guarantee that just making it an election issue will be enough. Imagine if we accidentally won! Not only would we be stuck in power, we’d actually have to do all that stuff involved with going independent. That’s far too much like hard work.”

Mr. Scott confirmed that he has written a note that he has left in his wife’s safekeeping, to be opened until after his removal from office.

“It’s all in there,” he said. “The challenges, the humiliations. When you read that you’ll understand why we just want to end it.”

Responding to the revelations, Opposition Leader Dr. Grant Gibbons was ecstatic. “That’s excellent news,” he said. “We were starting to despair of ever winning another election. Alex Scott is probably the best thing that has ever happened to the UBP.”

Comments

[Tiger Bay on 01.09.05 at 09:29]

Ooooh Pheel, you're gonna be in trouble! Beverley the Mouthpiece is gonna get you for "poor choice of etiquette"! ITO jackbooted thugs at de dinner table! You'll never get that limey.bm URL now!

[on 01.09.05 at 09:40]

It's a damn shame that your sarcasm rings so true !!

[Big Bad Wolf ^..^ on 01.09.05 at 09:51]

Dam fine piece of fiction...Hopefully there will be a better ending then going back to the Future with the UBP. Looks like not having a plan can work for nine years in Bermudian politics.We Bermudians just love to be fashionably late to everything including ideas. I think the Humidity is winning everything right now.I have to cut my grass but hmmm... I'll do it tomorrow. Ha there is the Proof I'm Bermudian. Maybe no Government is the best idea and let the Civil service girls and boys have Four years to play with things.Maybe it would be a sea of memos and policies and procedures.....That could give us all a nice political break.

[Pitts Bay on 01.09.05 at 10:15]

Phil

What a great way to start the day. Very amusing read, but you are going to catch shit for this one!!!

[Better Change on 01.09.05 at 10:37]

Oh yes Phil. I loved the piece - but they're gonna getcha - somehow.

[Two Cents on 01.09.05 at 10:42]

Phil,

Don't worry....when you are found floating, bound & gagged in St. George's harbour, We'll know why...It'll be covered up I am sure ....but we'll know the truth

[Tiger Bay on 01.09.05 at 10:44]

Well, at least they'll soon have difficulty making cement shoes for ya Phil since they've f'd up the cement company! ;)

[ace on 01.09.05 at 10:51]

lol...

The sarcasm point did not print in the RG.

Naughty Phil is going to get a spanking. ;)

PLP official position: "A spanking...a spanking!!!"

[Tiger Bay on 01.09.05 at 10:58]

Renee Webb is going to spank Phil? NOW THAT'S GOT SIZZLE BABY!

[SmokingGun on 01.09.05 at 11:16]

Wonderful, can't wait to hear Alvin's comments on this little sci-fi piece.

[SmokingGun on 01.09.05 at 11:21]

ps: posted with as much sarcasm as Limey's.

[sandgrownan on 01.09.05 at 12:01]

Brilliant, just brilliant. Laughing all the way to lunch!

[jake on 01.09.05 at 12:25]

Haven't seen the print version, but I think that even with the irony point, it is going too far to quote these guys. They don't have the same humour you have, Phil.

I hope that this does not descend into some dumb legal challenge, which course of action I would NOT support, but I know this may really be asking for it.

We shall see. By publishing it on the web it is a distinct act, different from the RG which has lawyers on tap. Can you afford to defend one of these things?

One thing Phil, you have balls like watermelons. Got to respect that.

[Combat Banker on 01.09.05 at 12:27]

Best... Column... Ever!! Well done Phil

[boogie on 01.09.05 at 12:36]

You'll never get Status now. Oh, wait - Bermuda doesn't give out Status anymore!

[Git on 01.09.05 at 12:46]

Ehh, ehhh fa chicky wow-wow.

Good on ya limey. That was bloody funny, but I agree that the humour may be lost on many and there will be vociferous fall-out aplenty.

We've had reps from this gu'ment quoting from onion.com so it's not a stretch to think that some might even take your column literally.

[on 01.09.05 at 12:53]

Git

Please tell me your kidding about theonion.com quotes....

[SmokingGun on 01.09.05 at 13:01]

Um Um...Limey, today is September 1st... not April.

Actually Jake raised an interesting point that I had also considered. Shouldn't you have just left it as an RG satire? Obviously no-one will think this is true, although you had me going with the opening paragraph.

One point of interest though. You make it seem that our government leaders are overwehelmed with all the issues of housing, crime etc. Just for a moment, could we all possibly imagine what the Mayor of New Orleans is dealing with at this moment, or the people in Bahgdad?

[Somers on 01.09.05 at 13:05]

The Major of New Orleans is probably taking everything one step at a time - the problem with our governement is that they don't know how to walk.

[Guilden M. Gilbert, Jr. on 01.09.05 at 13:24]

Limey,

Very funny piece. I concur with Jake, you have some big cahonas (spelling) my friend.

I see no reason for this to become a legal issue. These persons are political figures and as far as I read you are targeting them as such and not as private individuals.

Jake, aren't we immune from libel and slander suits when targeting polticians?

[SmokingGun on 01.09.05 at 13:36]

Somers: Excellent point.

Guilden: I'm not a lawyer, but I would have to laugh if anyone's actually called their lawyers to see if they have a case here. Printed satire is a well protected species. The fact that Limey grew up in England, where the papers cut and paste people to create fancifull images, just goes to show where he's coming from. Maybe Bermuda needs a real tabloid?

[Guilden M. Gilbert, Jr. on 01.09.05 at 13:44]

SmokingGun,

I agree with you. Anyone who enters public life should expect to be the target of satire.

[Big Bad Wolf ^..^ on 01.09.05 at 13:46]

No one is going to get Phil the Pill....He is just being well a little Monty Pythonesque...."See here unhand my Lupins!" Nothing like a post from the Ministry of silly thoughts....When will reality catch up with fantasy...I hope its very soon....Long live the benign Dictatorship of da ^..^

[Tiger Bay on 01.09.05 at 13:49]

Hey wolf, you've been MIA for so long, we thought you joined Cabinet or something.

[charles on 01.09.05 at 13:56]

Damn Phil, how about some type of warning or disclaimer before letting people read this at lunchtime. I damn near choked on my sandwich I was laughing so hard. It wasn't hard to picture the faces of Dr. Brown and Mr. Premiere during their interviews. Truly a priceless bit of sarcastic wit. Look out or you could end up with your hands tied and ready for dunking in King's Square.

[on 01.09.05 at 13:57]

Wow, you made a splash with this comment...

[Phil on 01.09.05 at 14:09]

To be honest, I'm a bit surprised by the reaction to this.

I saw this as a straightforward (and obvious) bit of satire: why keep insisting that you're going hold a general election on an issue that is deeply unpopular with the electorate? It's electoral suicide.

Nevertheless, I'm amazed that anyone would think that the quotes were real. What political party would ever voluntarily give up power? Even if there were such a party, what Premier or Deputy Premier would admit it to any journalist (let alone a Limey blogger like me)?

People need to spend more time reading The Onion

[The Wife on 01.09.05 at 14:13]

While I love my hubby, I think I had better get this out there now:

Widowed white female seeking
non-controversial male any age, any colour
with interests in anything other than poltics.
Did I say non-controversial.

[SmokingGun on 01.09.05 at 14:25]

I'm available, but from the last picture I saw of you, you seem to come with a few strings attached. ;)

[Big Bad Wolf ^..^ on 01.09.05 at 14:33]

Heah Wifey....I'm sorry but on this site your welcome to sleep around but I'm afraid your going to remain single!

[Big Bad Wolf ^..^ on 01.09.05 at 14:37]

Heah Big Pussy Cat....I have been off the rock....actually in England...Went to Elland road and watched Wolves lose 2 zip to Leeds.....It was a nice break....Hope your still earning your stripes! Thanks for the warm regards...your friend ^..^

[slick on 01.09.05 at 14:45]

Phil, a great piece that actually does the PLP a service but I doubt that they will see it that way! More's the pity.

Phil is right to be surprised that a satire piece should garner the kind of comments that he has been getting here today. It shows you just how thin skinned we have become or believe our politicians, particularly the PLP , have become. It is a kind of sad reflection on Bermuda that we have such a hard time laughing at ourselves. Let's hope that this is the beginning of a change. A healthy scepticism of politics combined with a healthy sense of humor can take Bermuda far. Without it I fear that we are doomed.

[Bill Cook on 01.09.05 at 15:07]

Was really surprised at hearing Scott Simmons come on the talk show in a very panicky mode,for damage control,for the PLP.

This reminded me and some really old posters of when Orson Welles (any relation Phil ?) who said the Martians were invading Earth and government went on TV or/and Radio to calm people who were in panic in the streets !! Now we have another Wells creating panic in Bermuda.

Hard to believe and we wonder why we Bermudians get suckered with Pyramid schemes.

[Full Fullish on 01.09.05 at 15:11]

Bill Cook - SHUT UP! You have got to be kidding me?!? What did they say? That's HILLARIOUS!!!!

[Bill Cook on 01.09.05 at 15:21]

Fullish I'M NOT KIDDING !

Actually he was all up a tree and the poor host was flumuxed.

What if they do make a big case out of this they will really look ridiculous.

My guess is that sanity will prevail and they will feel more than a little foolish.

Thank goodness the PLP supporters on this forum have a lot more common sanse not to mention humour.

If I was the PLP I would counter with a satire on the UBP.

One thing you bet on is that the UM UM show will use this.

All those Welles's tho Phil

HG Welles Orson and Phil makes one think.

[Tiger Bay on 01.09.05 at 15:27]

The PLP is so sensitive to criticism that they hide away and try to suppress all public access to information and the decision making process.

They are so paranoid that they are even trying to cut out and push back the civil service.

This leads to increasing isolation from the needs and desires of the populace.

It's time for Alex and Ewart to retire.

[point on 01.09.05 at 15:47]

Very well said Tiger Bay.

Too bad the UBP can't starting acting like Tiger's themselves instead of coming across as pussy.....cats.

[Full Fullish on 01.09.05 at 15:50]

Ha! I wish I had heard that! Man are they ever in the wrong business, if they can't take a little bloody nose like this.....As a public figure, not everyone will agree with you (or in this case, almost no one!) so of course people are going to take the piss, ya just got to shrug it off!

Ha too funny! Well done Phil!

[SmokingGun on 01.09.05 at 15:50]

Grant Gibbons has scheduled to make a statement on the evening news distancing himself from this article.

[Full Fullish on 01.09.05 at 15:58]

Ha! Grant should play along, tongue in cheek of course! ;)

[Big Bad Wolf ^..^ on 01.09.05 at 15:59]

Smoking gun I thought you were in New Orleans.....You can't be serious about GG making a statement about Phil's fuunny bone piece in the RG today...."Say it is'nt so!!" ^..^ up a tree.

[ace on 01.09.05 at 16:02]

Silly politicians.

Mandy....you owe me a new keyboard. I sprayed coffee all over mine when I read your post.

;-)

[jake on 01.09.05 at 16:58]

If Grant does that he is a moron.

If the PLP make a stink they will look like morons too, but I can see where it might make sense to ease off this particular style of satire. Quoting people, even where to the educated, it is obvious that it could not have been said, is dangerous for the "read and believe" crowd.

This is going to be one funny couple of days coming up. On reflection, I'm still on your side Phil. Big Baller - Shot Caller!!!

[Tiger Bay on 01.09.05 at 17:07]

It would be buffonish for the UBP to get involved.

Except if he were to wave a pop and sizzle flag. Then it would be funny.

[Guilden M. Gilbert, Jr. on 01.09.05 at 17:08]

Bill,

That's very interesting.

I disagree, however, that the PLP should create a satire of the UBP. They simply need to take the article in the vein it was written.

Polticians are nothing more than the characters in a theatrical play.

Who can you laugh at if you can't laugh at yourself.

[SmokingGun on 01.09.05 at 17:17]

Grant Gibbons has cancelled his scheduled appearance. Apparently he checked out the Limey in Bermuda web-site and didn't want to come accross as a buffoonish moron.

[just vote no on 01.09.05 at 17:18]

U are givng more votes to the yes with your insults man. Foreigners are insulting bermudians who support independence instead of protecting bermudians from corruption independence will bring. when the vote is 54% yes it will be your egg throwing fault dummy. attack corruption in the corrupt carribbean like bahamas. labor day in Brooklyn they say better to immigrate than assassinate.

[Two Cents on 01.09.05 at 17:20]

"If Grant Gibbons does that he is a moron"

Jake if he does appear on TV there will be no doubt left in anyones mind....He'll be a moron with a capital "M"

Who can you laugh at if you can't laugh at yourself - ....Amen to that Gilden

[SmokingGun on 01.09.05 at 17:24]

Um Um...Just Vote No...Indepence=No Corruption?
That just swung my vote. Let's go for it.
Wolfie get ready!

[Git on 01.09.05 at 17:27]

I agree, the loyal opposition should stay mute. Alaska Hall is going to come out looking like a horse's ass if they start rattling sabres over this. Peter Woolcock has been doing the same thing with his cartoons for years. Eff'em if they can't take a joke.

Bless your cotton socks, phil.