Open season

Various people have pointed out that Bermuda needs to offer something more then its competitors as far as its tourism product goes, with many people coming down on the side of gambling and casinos.

I say, consider hunting.

There are a lot of potential American visitors who love to go out and enjoy the great outdoors, savour Mother Nature in her raw form, get in touch with their inner selves, and slaughter any wildlife they come across.

We, as a tourism destination, can cater to this urge, whilst performing a meritorious act of social improvement for ourselves at the same time. During the winter months, we could offer our visitors "open season" on Real Estate Agents and Lawyers. I suggest a working title of "Pop By and Loose off a Few Rounds".

Here's the logic.

Both these parasitical forms of life are causing distress and hardship to average, hard-working Bermudians. To take a simple example, consider the Real Estate Agent, a species which, although invariably home-owners themselves, exhibit a behaviour pattern which makes it almost impossible for anyone else to be. The hills and valleys of Bermuda are filled with their distinctive cries of "But this property is easily worth one and a half million, sir, personally I wouldn't settle for less than two - after all, there is an apartment to provide your prospective buyer with a live-in slave to pay the mortgage for them."

A cursory glance through the Yellow Pages reveals that these creatures have multiplied in excess of the ability of the ecosystem to support them. A cull would, in fact benefit the species by weeding out the elderly and slow, and put the fear of God into the survivors.

I suggest a bag limit of three Real Estate Agents per tourist.

If, as you surely will, you ask what our visitors will do with these kills, let me point out that the Real Estate Agent, by dint of being in a profession about as highly regarded as that of Nazi War Criminal, has an unusually thick skin, which makes excellent winter clothing, or parchment for documents of especial importance.

Which brings me to Lawyers.

Anyone who can, with a straight face, attempt to defend a bunch of guys who arm themselves with knives and machetes and perpetrate wholesale and very public gang slaughter in a football stadium in front of innocent families, deserve no less for themselves. I suggest putting a randomly selected group of Lawyers in the National Stadium every week and allowing our visitors to have at them with their choice of weapons. The Lawyers would be armed with their skill at oratory and their ability to ignore reality. I had originally thought of having the resulting legal bodies dumped off Argus Bank for the sharks, but on second thought, even sharks have their pride.

Dear Reader, you need not concern yourself about the possibility of running out of Lawyers. We have lots. In fact, on a per capita basis, we have more Lawyers that anywhere else. Did you know that if you took all of Bermuda's Lawyers and laid them out, side by side, along the Causeway, you could take them all out one time with a heavy truck?

Of course, if you really insist on gambling as a tourist attraction, I could live with a variation of Russian Roulette, where we sell tickets, arm a Real Estate Agent and a Lawyer with revolvers, each containing a single round, and tell them that only the most socially responsible man walks away.

You'd have to be pretty quick with your bets though.

Comments

[Scared Lawyer on 03.11.05 at 09:34]

Er, what about accountants?

[Adjustah on 03.11.05 at 09:39]

...and politicians...

[Tiger Bay on 03.11.05 at 10:00]

No challenge with politicians. They run at the shooter looking for handouts and babbling about the success of the social agenda.

Crazy really.

[Jake on 03.11.05 at 10:08]

Almost funny, but for the whole "innocent until proven guilty and equal justice" thing.

I am sure those who actually are not guilty will forgive.

[ace on 03.11.05 at 10:14]

Don't drag accountants into this. Lawyers get paid more and paid FIRST. They are higher in the "pecking order" and therefore require harsh culling measures. ;-)

Given the ban on guns and the recent ban on carrying bladed weapons I'm not sure how this thinning of the agents and lawyers will be done. Perhaps forced alcohol poisoning?

[Somers on 03.11.05 at 10:24]

they don't need knives or guns - they attack with papercuts...

[FAB on 03.11.05 at 10:51]

I agree with you about the lawyers. I wouldn't stop to piss on a lawyer if he was rolling around in front of me on fire.

[Bill Cook on 03.11.05 at 11:14]

FAB,

Hmmmm, well now I would piss on his wallet to save the contents as most of it belonged to me anyway !

[Full Fullish on 03.11.05 at 11:21]

Actually, it would be fun to create a gun that killed people for only 10 minutes......YOu can stand over your favorite lawyer or real estate agent and keep shooting them just as they come back to life! ;)

This is why Tazers are so fun too! (grin)

[SmokingGun on 03.11.05 at 11:47]

Dear Sir,

We are not amused.

Sincerely

RSPCL

[ours on 03.11.05 at 13:00]

hmm what about hunting for the bermudian landowners who are jacking up the prices? its not the agents - in most cases now its the greedy landlords will go way above suggested prices.

[SmokingGun on 03.11.05 at 13:16]

"Did you know that if you took all of Bermuda's Lawyers and laid them out, side by side, along the Causeway, you could take them all out one time with a heavy truck?'

Now that's a little cruel and sadistic.

Far better to use the runway and a Boeing 737. Much quicker.

[Darkside on 03.11.05 at 13:26]

Ace,

Lawyers do not get paid more than accountants and rely heavily upon accountants to in fact get paid ... so I say throw in some accountants for some flavor.

As for killing them with forced alcohol poisoning I believe that all of the affected groups are already using this method to cull their own ranks ... but I'm sure the affected groups would like to see some government support to pay for all that alcohol.

[Tiger Bay on 03.11.05 at 13:31]

Hence the wisdom of having Uncle Wayne as Drugs Czar, who can supply all the cuban rum you want.

[automatic on 03.11.05 at 13:39]

I think it would be too easy to get the lawyers.

Once you bagged one, all the others would be attracted by the scent of blood and the prospect of defending the killer, and you could bag them all in one fell swoop.

Would you get a standard 10% commission on each Real Estate agent you popped off?

[Rumpole on 03.11.05 at 13:41]

You lot can go ahead and slag off defense lawyers all you want. But you'll still go crying to them when your kids gets busted for stealing bikes or smoking spliffs, begging for their protection. No wonder some lawyers get a Messiah complex - they are only loved when they are needed and prayed to.
Oh, and by the way, the commercial lawyers may make a salary similar to accountants, but criminal hacks are lucky to wring much out of legal aid and those are the chaps you complain about for defending machete wielding youths. On that note, I suppose you would have preferred to simply string those byes up without trial. I'm not sure THAT would do a lot of good for the people of this island. Defense lawyers do not defend people who they necessarily think are innocent. They do it because without a proper defense, no conviction is safe and can be subject to appeal. Would you like to see those obviously guilty set free by a higher court simply because the defense did not bother to do their jobs properly? Don't be so quick to condemn criminal lawyers - hunt the commercial ones if you want, but leave the honest hacks down Magistrate's Court alone. For my money, I would rather hunt the politicians - they do so much back pedalling and make so much noise, they should be easy to track down!

[automatic on 03.11.05 at 14:02]

Rumpole,

I'm sorry, my mistake...I thought this post was one of those ones that are meant be, you know, funny? It was a joke.

I know full well the importance of defence lawyers, no criminal justice system would work without them, but if can't have a laugh about ourselves every now and again, the world would be a much poorer place.

I'm an accountant, I've been the butt of many a joke in my time believe you me!

You're right about the politicians though, easy pickings ;-)

[Big Bad Wolf ^..^ on 03.11.05 at 14:23]

I am very hurt ...photographers are not worth hunting!

[rumpole on 03.11.05 at 14:24]

Oh dear I have made a boo boo. I had hoped my 'serious' remarks, whilst true, would give you more fodder for comedy. I have spent a lot of time in the UK lately and discovered the Brits find great comedy in satirizing serious comments and/or situations. I shall be more astute in the future as to how to phrase my attempts at provoking a humorous response. I shall begin with a joke, ahem, What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean. Answer: A good start.
Ok so I have known that old dud since I was a tot but at least my education began early!
O and by the way, I am aware of the stereotype of accountants being boring people. Ironically, most of the accountants I know are absolutely mad. Is then, a successful rebellion against stereotypes actually possible? Perhaps we should all be taking notes.

[Darkside on 03.11.05 at 14:28]

BBW,

Photographers shoot back ...

[Big Bad Wolf ^..^ on 03.11.05 at 14:30]

Yeah most of the accountants are mad because they can't count---Or its one for the boss and two for me...and then the final insult they bore you with graphs and figures.Me being a ^..^ only interested in these figures 36#24#36....go figure....Anyway I now understand why so many lawyers are good scuba divers.

[Big Bad Wolf ^..^ on 03.11.05 at 14:32]

Darkside....I forgot that I am armed and dangerous....dam !where is my machete! Son of a gun!!!

[automatic on 03.11.05 at 14:44]

Rumpole,

Point taken about trying to foster more humour, that was way too subtle for me :-)!

"most of the accountants I know are absolutely mad"

Cheers, I like that!

You're right, us Brits like nothing better than taking the mickey out of serious situations, be it by sarcasm, satire, irony or whatever. It doesn't belittle the seriousness of the issue at hand in any way, just helps us deal with it better!

Wolfie

"the only figures I'm interested in are 36#24#36"

Amen to that!

[thisgrassman on 03.11.05 at 15:11]

I cannot possibly condone the use of guns for hunting real estate agents - what if you only wing one of them - that bastard would be limping all over the parishes getting blood on peoples grass. We all know parasitic vermin spread the nastiest diseases - last thing you want is them hemorrhaging all over your neighbourhood depreciating the value of your propery

[ace on 03.11.05 at 15:27]

"Ace,

Lawyers do not get paid more than accountants and rely heavily upon accountants to in fact get paid ... so I say throw in some accountants for some flavor."

.........stay still...that's it...keep responding to my post on LIB....just a bit more to the left...lean forward...good!!

BANG!

[Darkside on 03.11.05 at 15:31]

Ace, I never would have never guessed you were a TOURIST ...

[ace on 03.11.05 at 15:42]

lol

What gives you that idea?

I was just trying to smoke out a few lawyers for Phil.

Got one.

:-)

[Darkside on 03.11.05 at 15:57]

Ace ... two things
1. The original post was about improving the tourism product ... it wouldn't be fair to let the locals hunt all of the good game.
2. Careful ... I never said I was a lawyer ... tit for tat ... you are likely an accountant.

[ace on 03.11.05 at 16:07]

hehe..you're right it was sport for tourists. I just got a tad excited about the subject matter and forgot that. ;-)

Guilty as charged on the accountant thing.

[Darkside on 03.11.05 at 16:19]

Ace ... its cool ... hold still though trying to line you up for a nasty paper cut.

[thisgrassman on 03.11.05 at 16:33]

Running with the idea realtors are fair game turns me onto an intriguing concept. The British Labour Party have just made a whole sub-culture in their country with nothing to do – you know, all those associated with fox hunting who now can’t go out murdering cute fuzzy mammals minding their own business. What they now need is substitute prey whose demise no one really gives a shit about – mmmmmmmmm.

Of course we all know this lot are loaded and we Bermujans are looking to new markets for punter’s who are willing to come here and actually spend some decent coin. So….it’s a no brainer - we could get them bunked in Tuckers Town (with their gee gees and G&Ts so they feel at home) charging them top dollar for the privilege to purge the countryside of an introduced pest species – pesky parasitic vermin we need rid of. Plus all the foxhounds and handlers that come in tow also need accommodation so we are talking some serious bed nights. On prescribed days during "hunting season" we could release real estate agents into the "wild" and with a bit of training the dogs will learn to sniff the drool from their preys mouths as they wander about goggled eyed mentally calculating their commissions on Tuckers Town real estate.

What a great mental image – some realtor with shredded suit clinging to the top of a double flue chimney with a pack of murderous dogs and braying yah’s at the bottom – bribing the grounds man to power wash the vermin from its refuge for the hunt to continue.

[Tim Taylor on 03.11.05 at 16:41]

Well done, thisgrassman! That's getting into the spirit. Anyone copy Tony in on this?

[SmokingGun on 03.11.05 at 17:37]

Tim - Tony's greasing his guns..... and I think he's still got some Pols in his sights.

Grassman - you certainly have a wild imagination..... I like it!

[Bill on 03.11.05 at 18:56]

How about issuing a Glock(TM) to tourists as they arrive. The land people could shoot the boat people who clog "their" beachs, the boat people could pick off the snooty landers who think that know it all. This could cause a slight decrease in repeat visitors but the entertainment value for everyone might be better than a casino and take no extra land at all. :)
Regards, Bill the Tourist

[Nicolette on 03.11.05 at 21:41]

Damn, if ony it were cold enough on this island for the prey to break out their mink and oscelot coats it could add that extra bit of realism to spice up the thrill of the hunt...

[SmokingGun on 03.11.05 at 21:50]

Or they could just get naked.....;)